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tfw you can't sleep and end up actually being awake at Normal Adult Human Waking Hours on the day you're p much supposed to have an exam...but you're not actually sitting that final because you can't save that failing grade and this semester got you too exhausted and way too emotionally done with maths to try to get a legitimately decent mark so it's really just a lot of sadness and disassociation and trying to not feel like a total failure

also now you've got one beer left which you can't drink until tonight because sure you're a sad college student but this recent depressive episode got you inching closer to addiction and you already know what that feels like so you need to fucking stop

and you have to decide whether to go to breakfast - you can wait and go to ihop or go to the nice place across the street that you haven't been to since your girlfriend moved, what, a couple weeks ago, but that's only open until two thirty so sleeping would be out of the question - or to sleep

idk if it's a better idea to focus on one of my online classes today instead of the final or to literally just go to bed. either way I'm gonna be doing something other than that fuckin final but I don't know which is marginally healthier or which I want more. I'll be tired and sad all day anyway?? who am I?? what do I want?? how long have I been awake?

I don't feel like texting this all to my dad or my gf so here I am lj

I wrote a fic in the middle of the night tho, should I just do this, just write fic til I actually feel human again?

[also tho may is always bad because of mother's day so anyone who wants to mom me feel free I'm sure I'll need it]

edit: have gone and gotten breakfast. coffee in my system but still getting increasingly tired. will need to go to the market later but am going to go lie in bed and play gummy drop until I start falling asleep. should be pretty quick but...wish me luck.

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April 2019

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